I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
