Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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