I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
