i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
