just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
