he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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