Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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