I think my vagina is haunted
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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