I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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