You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
