Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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