i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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