you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
