just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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