Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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