I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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