Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Randomize
