I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.