Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
