Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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