i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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