I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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