My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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