Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
