Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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