Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
