First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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