new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You were trust falling into bushes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
