Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
