Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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