I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
