soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
