Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize