his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
