I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
