I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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