So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
