i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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