he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
