i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
