2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
