I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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