I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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