moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
