Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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