Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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