So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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