I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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