I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also, beer. Big fan.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
