Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
