Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
