I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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