I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
