I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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