A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
