i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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