i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
