Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
