I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its about making memories worth repressing
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
