Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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